


tony stark: ghost hunter

by whatsanaccounttoagod



Category: Iron Man (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe, Spider-Man: Homecoming (2017)
Genre: Exorcisms, Fluff and Crack, Gen, Ghost Hunters, Swearing
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-27
Updated: 2019-01-27
Packaged: 2019-10-17 16:43:16
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,683
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17564213
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/whatsanaccounttoagod/pseuds/whatsanaccounttoagod
Summary: "We aren't using a ouija board. That's just asking for trouble.""How are they supposed to talk to us?""Like normal people.""That's racist."After a moment of hesitation, Tony burst out laughing.





	tony stark: ghost hunter

**Author's Note:**

  * For [KiwisAndTea](https://archiveofourown.org/users/KiwisAndTea/gifts).



> thank you to kiwisandtea for basically writing out the ideas for all of this, it didnt go exactly as planned but i hope its okay

A young teen with curly brown hair stood on top of an unidentified building surrounded by rural land. He held a camera in one hand and a flashlight in the other. The wind tousled his hair, and storm clouds covered the sky, though no rain had fallen yet.

"It was a dark and stormy night," he began dramatically.

A door behind him opened, and the silhouette of a man stepped forward. The boy turned and pointed the flashlight behind him, revealing the unmistakable form of Tony Stark.

"Excuse my French, but what the f-"

* * *

 

The pair moved indoors. From the sliver of window visible from the couch, it seemed to only be a few minutes later.

"Tony Stark, ghost hunter," the younger announced in a clearly forced-down pitch.

"Peter, no."

"Peter, yes."

* * *

 

"I'm only indulging this because if I don't, you'll heckle me until the end of time," Tony grumbled.

"We're going to the server room!" Peter chirped from behind the camera. "It's a lot of technology! That  _ has _ to be at least a  _ little _ haunted!"

"Why do you think technology is haunted? Wouldn't it make less sense to haunt it since everything is seen as just a glitch in the matrix?"

"The lights and phones are always first to go in horror movies. That logically extends to anything technology-based."

"Okay, kid. Whatever."

* * *

 

At the server room, Peter popped into view of the camera. "This is gonna be so-"

The camera twitched and buzzed as Peter launched it several feet away. "Oh, shit, my bad."

The footage switched to a nearby security camera as he glanced at the number and answered it. "Hello?" He paused, terror creeping across his face. "Hello?" After another half-second, he hung up. "Mr. Stark, it was an international number, and they didn't say  _ anything. _ They just. Breathed."

"That's weird. FRIDAY, did you get a trace on it?"

"It has an international area code, but the trace ended in the compound," she announced. The video switched back to Peter's phone.

" _ What? _ "

* * *

 

Tony led the kid through the dimly-lit halls. "Since the kid  _ insists _ my state-of-the-art compound is haunted, I'm taking him down to my lab to trace everywhere that number has been."

"Tony Stark, ghost hunter," Peter declared in his fake-low voice.

"Oh, for fuck's sake-" Tony turned around to address his shadow and screamed.

Peter also screamed, and the camera dropped with him. "What'd you see?"

Tony retrieved the camera and pointed it at the startled boy. "I saw you. On the ceiling."

"Oh." He paused. "The angle was better."

The frame froze.

"For a quick explanation, Mr. Stark has been experimenting with technology that would allow someone to stick to walls or the ceiling. Yes, we got the idea from Spider-Man. No, neither of us are Spider-Man, either. That I know of. If I was, you'd think I'd be able to hold a phone. Wait, I'm rambling. Continue."

The frame unfroze, and the video shook as Tony started laughing. Peter joined him. Once their laughter faded out, the billionaire announced, "You're fired."

"Oh."

The caption  _ *Note: I was not actually fired _ appeared on the bottom.

* * *

 

The lights flickered out. From the angle, it was safe to assume Peter was either laying or crawling on the ground.

"Mr. Stark?"

Tony whipped around and nearly shot Peter in the face with a repulsor. "Oh, it's you."

"Yeah. Just me."

In the dim light offered by the phone flash, Tony looked paler than usual. Peter scrambled to his feet.

"What's wrong?"

"It's impossible for the power to go out. We aren't even on the energy grid, and we have enough renewable and sustainable energy to last over a hundred years while constantly running everything in the compound."

"Spooky."

* * *

 

In the power room, Tony used the light from his gauntlet to inspect the reactor. "Well, it's not this."

"That's good, right?"

"Yeah." After a quick glance at the breaker-box, he muttered, "Blew a couple fuses."

Something clattered down the stairs. Tony shot a repulsor at it, only to miss. Dum-E whirred in annoyance.

"I'm sorry!" Tony squeaked.

Dum-E beeped.

"I didn't know you were you!"

The offended robot clattered back up the ramp. Peter pointed the camera back at Tony. The billionaire looked like he killed his own son.

* * *

 

On the ramp, an abandoned bag of various electronic parts, none of which were fuses, rested next to some flowers.

"Some bad shit happened here," Tony muttered.

Peter passed the camera to his mentor and made a praying pose. "Mr. Stark's relationship with his firstborn son. Uh, what year was Dum-E made?"

"1986."

"1986 to 2019. Rest in pepperonis."

Perhaps it was surprise at the entire situation that made Tony laugh. Maybe it was fear. The world may never know.

(It was both.)

* * *

 

As they entered the workshop, Tony proclaimed, "Ye who dareth enter, beware; all will to live is abandoned here."

"Bold of you to assume I had a will to live," Peter responded.

Tony yote a box of fuses at the young cameraman. From the lack of a following  _ thud _ , he seemed to catch it. "That's fair."

The camera turned to reveal Dum-E sulking next to the SPARE PARTS cabinet.

* * *

 

Creepy music played as they traveled back to the power room.

"FRIDAY?"

"Yes, Boss?"

"Can you stop that?"

She paused just long enough to run a scan. "Stop what?"

"The music?"

"I'm not playing any music."

The video split to show security footage alongside the camera's video. As they glanced at each other fearfully, something flickered across the screen. Peter whipped his head toward it, and the video went back to normal. "Holy shit, what was  _ that _ ?"

"What was what?" Tony asked hesitantly.

"Something just ran across the hallway."

"Okay, yeah, fuck this shit."

* * *

 

The pair sat on the floor facing each other and surrounded by candles. Between them rested a tiny lion plushie.

"I have no idea what the fuck we're doing," Tony announced. He raised a bottle of holy water and salt. "I was just told to throw this shit all over if something creepy happened."

Peter held up a vacuum. "We're doing an exorcism, but first, I wanna talk to the ghost. She seemed scared."

"She?"

"She looked like a she."

"Maybe they're trans, Underoos. Or nonbinary."

"That's fair." He shifted something into view.

"We aren't using a ouija board. That's just asking for trouble."

"How are they supposed to talk to us?"

"Like normal people."

"That's racist."

After a moment of hesitation, Tony burst out laughing.

* * *

 

"So we have decided  _ not _ to use the Luigi board  _ yet- _ "

Tony snorted.

"-so after going to the  _ second page _ on Google, I've found that… uh… We're supposed to use a pendulum. Like a necklace."

"Any pendulum?"

"Can we maybe stay away from silver? And iron?"

"Who makes iron jewelry in 2019?"

* * *

 

"Finally found some jewelry I can ruin and not worry about replacing-"

"That's a  _ real _ gold necklace, Mr. Stark! And a  _ real _ diamond!"

"I'm rich."

After considering a moment, Peter waved a hand, flickering the somewhat-melted candles. "Carry on."

"So we're gonna do this, I guess."

The younger held the necklace over the lion. "Uh, if you're there, would you please give us a 'yes' signal?"

The necklace didn't move.

"Please?"

Something crashed in the background. Tony tossed salt around them and holy water on Peter and the lion.

"Hey!"

"You pissed them off. You need the extra protection."

"I just asked them to say yes!"

* * *

 

They moved to the workshop once again. Dum-E, apparently having forgiven Tony, brought over a glass of… something.

"Good boy," Tony murmured, patting the bot.

"So it says here you have to have a strong belief in  _ something _ , be it a higher power or yourself, for this to work."

"That sounds like you"

"Mr. Stark-"

After a quick cut, Tony announced, "We're doing this together."

"We just gotta believe in each other."

"I believe in you, kid," he murmured, resting a hand on Peter's shoulder.

He didn't seem to notice as he scrolled through Tony's phone.

"So we need to clean the house, which is, like, two rooms and some dusting, and opening the blinds, since it's light out. Then, we should burn some dried sage and let the smoke get everywhere. Inside the cupboards, closets, under the beds… Everywhere. We'll regroup and continue after we do that."

The screen split, and a time-lapse of Peter and Tony running around with burning sage took up the next ten seconds.

"So, now we need to not be scared and tell the ghost to go back to their own realm and leave us alone. Nicely. But also assertively. Just tell them to go home." Peter passed the phone back to Tony. "It says about an hour, but this place is huge. Maybe, like, five minutes per room?"

"Sounds good."

Rather than splitting up, they travelled through the compound together. After another few seconds of various incantations that sounded straight off of Google, they gathered back in the workshop. At some point, the power had returned, and several holographic screens littered the background.

"So, it should feel better now?" Peter paused. "Does it?"

"Yeah. I'd say it does." Tony grinned. "Are we done yet?

"Now, we need to burn sage all over again. And, if you want, put protective symbols around the house and make a salt ring outside."

"Ugh. Okay."

* * *

 

As they shook salt around the compound, Peter froze. "Wait, FRIDAY was still up."

"So?"

"If all the power was out, how was she running inside?"

Tony finished up the circle and stood. "If she was running on the backup generator, she'd be forced into emergency mode."

"She seemed normal."

"She was." He strode toward the doors. "I think we've been played."

* * *

 

Peter held up the phone to the holo-screen before panning out to Tony.

"We've been trolled. FRIDAY did all of this," he muttered.

The contents of the holo-screen appeared in a corner of the video. Several lines have been highlighted.

"Dum-E was in on it, too. He knocked down a lamp on purpose."

Dum-E at least had the decency to look sheepish.

**Author's Note:**

> friday trolling wasnt planned until i realized how easy it would be to troll a couple of people on edge alfjalns 
> 
> i had to google so much for this so uh list of sites if you happen to be curious?
> 
> [no luigi board ghost talk](http://thehorrormoviesblog.com/2015/09/15/how-to-talk-to-ghosts-without-a-ouija-board/)
> 
> [the exorcism instructions](https://www.higgypop.com/news/how-to-perform-an-exorcism-yourself/)
> 
> also while i was writing this something hit my house from an angle it should not be able to?? so thats fun


End file.
